Little Girl

Over the weekend, Little Girl turned 4 and I've been thinking lately about our time so far as Mother and Daughter. This journey has been both joyful and loving, tiring and testing. At times it has been hilarious and at other times, just plain hard. There have been moments where I have wanted to cuddle her so tight and never let go, and, with that very same child, moments where I have wanted to throw in the towel and run away.

Despite the emotional roller coaster, through all the tears (both hers and mine) and the tantrums (mostly hers), I love this child with all my heart, with every inch of my often tired and weary body and I would do anything to protect her and keep her safe.

My most memorable moment with her so far? Although amazing in their own ways, was not when she was born. Nor was it on seeing her first steps or hearing her first words. It was actually more recent, taking place on the first morning after bringing home her new baby brother, from hospital.

Little Girl had struggled with the idea of me having another baby and the last few months of my pregnancy were hellish for both of us. On our first morning home from the hospital, Little Girl walked out of her bedroom and placed herself on the lounge. Baby boy and Hubby were still both fast asleep. Little Girl just sat there on the lounge. Ever so still, ever so silent. I sat down beside her. I reached out for her hand. She reached out also, taking my hand and gripping it tightly. We sat there on the lounge, together, both silent, both still.

Our mutual silence spoke loudly. I felt so close to her, through the simple act of holding her hand. I felt so vulnerable at that moment and I sensed her vulnerability also. I was just a girl, holding hands with another girl. I was no more wise nor brave than her at that time and yet somehow I was able to comfort and reassure her, without words, that everything was going to be okay.

It was such a raw and powerful moment. A moment in which I truly became a mother and the moment I fell even more deeply in love with Little Girl.

To Sydney With Love

Dear Sydney,

For thirty seven years and three months I have called you home. In two weeks time I will be saying goodbye to you. I am leaving home. I am feeling nervous, but excited and a little sad. 

I feel that you have changed. I feel that I have changed also. Maybe I have outgrown you. I'm not entirely sure. Hubby Jas and I also have two young kids to think about now and I believe that our future as a family lies elsewhere. So, we are heading north, in search of a new place to call home.

Lately I feel you have become overpriced and overcrowded. The best you can offer us is an apartment. I would be happy with this, if I didn’t have kids. But, Jas and I both grew up in big houses on quarter-acre blocks with plenty of backyard to climb trees, play cricket and run under the sprinkler in Summer. I want our kids to have a big yard also, not to mention the opportunity to grow up in a regional, country area.

I have always felt very fortunate to have grown up with you. I am continuously in awe of your beauty and although I haven't travelled much, I think I understand why people are always happy to come home, to Sydney, after travelling overseas. You have always felt familiar, safe and welcoming. Even now, whenever I make a trip into the city, especially at night, when everything is lit up, I am always struck with a sense of pride, passion and excitement. I don’t believe these feelings will ever change, no matter how long between visits.

Well, it looks like I’ve got some serious packing to do so I’ll say goodbye now.


I’ll miss you.

With Love,

Jode  xx